~Truth Hurts~

I would classify myself as a happy person, someone who looks at the good instead of the bad, an optimist rather than a pessimist. When I update, I never write too much about difficult problems (except for every once in a while) and I seem to be this happy-go-lucky girl all the time.To be completely honest, I have had a hard time with being happy, positive, seeing the good, and being optimistic.

I am just going to be completely honest because I have nothing else to loose. Life has...well....pretty much been crappy since being back from London. Now, not everything has been bad...I have loved being able to hang out with my siblings and I made two awesome friends at my new job which all of that has been my only saving grace. Other than that, I have not felt happy on the inside.

I hate it, I cry all the time and if I am not crying, I feel like I am on the verge of crying. There are so many reasons for my tears, and that is what is the hardest part. There are so many reasons to cry.

When I went through with this London thing, there were a lot of people I grew up with who had a really difficult time with it. They thought I was going against "God's will" and for that they kept their distance and have kept it since then. Mainly three girls that I have have known forever. I met with each one of these girls before I left to kind of clear the air and ask for forgiveness on a few things I had hurt them with. When I left for London I felt great. I felt for the first time I was leaving on good terms and it was such an amazing feeling for me. I tried to call these girls probably about twice when I was in London but never got a hold of them due to the time difference and most of my calling cards were spent talking to my mom and my sister. A lot of family drama happened while I was away and I felt I needed to be there are much as I could for them since I was far away. My thoughts on the issue was, call my family and email my friends. And that is pretty much what I did. So upon returning home May 1st, I sent an email out to just about everyone on my mail list letting them know I was home, to call me or email me.

It has been 42 days now since I have been home and I have not heard a word for these girls. I made a pact with myself not to call them because I wanted to see how long it would take for them to call me and say welcome home. Well, I guess I know my answer. I try to stay strong and not to let it bother me, but in reality it does, it sucks and it hurts. Last Saturday after not hearing anything I decided to be the bigger person, put down my pride and call them. I still haven't heard anything and that hurts even more. I don't get it. I don't know why I am going through a change like this, but for some reason God has it this way for me. It is not the first time I have gone through a season where my friends changed and it usually happened in the order or losing all my friends and then gaining better friends later on down the road. But the part of dealing with being alone is what is hard for me. I loved these girls. I know we didn't hang out too much before I left for London, but knowing that you left for three months....3 MONTHS, not a week or even a month but 3 FREAKING MONTHS!!!!! And not a damn phone call, email, anything just saying hi. It sucks and I am hurt. I don't get it. Am I that bad of a person that they wouldn't want to talk to me or want to see me? I remember one of them went to Europe for a month and that felt like forever and when she got home the other three of us were at her house seeing how she was, welcoming her home, making her feel back at home. Why can't I have that?!?

I guess it just shows me once again who your true friends are. I am tired of trying, tired of putting myself out there, tired of apologizing, tired of making every one else feel happy about themselves. It's my turn now. I feel I deserve what I put into all of them, it's only fair right. Now, I didn't do those thing to get anything back. Everything was done because that is just how I am, I love to make people feel loved and wanted especially if they went away for a while. I would think I would get some of that back from these girls. But whatever, I'm done, no more trying. In my opinion it is their loss. It takes two to tango and I am no longer going to dance alone. I want a dance partner who will stay with me not just sit on the sidelines and watch. I know that is a cheezy way of putting it.

On top of that I have been having some physical problems. And due to the problem, I think I am extremely anemic and am constantly tired and not feeling well. Something is wrong with me. I can feel it. Every since I got home, I haven't felt the same. Something feels off in my body and I don't know what it is, but I am scared to go to the doctors about it. The more I get pushed to go, the less I want to go. I am afraid they are going to tell me something bad. I have always been afraid that I have something terribly wrong with me that the doctors have never found all my growing up and now when I go, I am afraid they are going to find it and it will be incurable or tragic. I know its a horrible thought, but it is one that goes through my head every time I think about going to the doctors.

I feel like I am a liar and a fake. I make myself seem perfect on the outside to others, but on the inside I am screaming for someone to help me. I had that person, Darren, when I was in London. He knew me so well, too well in fact that. I don't have him here right now. We talk on the phone and through email, which I would never change for anything, but it is not the same. I want to be back there, have him back in my life again like he was. He was my saving grace, my shoulder to cry on, my arms to wrap around me when I needed a hug, always knew how to make me smile when I only wanted to frown and cry. I miss him. I cry about that too. It's hard being separated. No one seems to understand, especially my family. They sometimes feel I am ALWAYS on the phone, or make him such a priority, but is that so bad. Is it bad to put the person you love so much in front of your needs sometimes. I mean don't we all do that. Isn't that sacrifice? I guess I don't see it as a bad thing.

I know that God has a plan in all of this. I know that He knows my heart better than anyone, but sometimes it is hard to trust what you can't see, touch, physically feel. I know God is here with me, I just need the strength to trust him. I feel I don't even have the strength physically to get through each day, but with God, all things are possible. I just have to keep telling myself that.

:: Jesus you know me better than I know myself. You know when I cry, when I laugh, when I feel so empty inside, when I am hurt even when I act like I am fine. I need you right now. Please help me. Please show me your unending love like I have been taught about my whole life, because right now I need it. I love you and I know you love me. I thank you for the friends that I do have, that love me like you love me, faults and all. I thank you for my family who have always been there even when they piss me off to no avail. I thank you for Darren even though he is far away. The distance has taught me so much. Thank for bringing Darren into my life. Please keep him safe during this hard time for him too. I love him so much. Thank you for hearing my prayers before I even speak or write, even think them. I trust you and I love you ::

Thank you all for listening to me vent. I just felt instead of being absent in my blog, I should just be real even if I offend people or make people question me, I know that I am being me. Someone who is not perfect, not happy all the time but no matter what, is real and true to herself.

Cheers,

Kristin

Comments

[Analiza]

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time with those girls. I feel for you girl, but don't ever question who you are and what you are! Unfortunately, when you put yourself out there so selflessly some people become selfish and not think about what they do to you. You've done your best in reconciling and though it may hurt it has been their choice to step out of your life.
As for missing Darren, it must break you heart each day you wake to know he isn't within an arms reach, but there will be a day that will come very soon where you guys will be together forever.
As for your family, well honestly who can understand the power of the love you have for one another. I have been there for you since Day 1 and it is very rare to ever feel the love you feel now for Darren. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
Physically - YOU ARE FINE!! Hail, Thunders, and Hurricanes couldn't bring you down! LoL
My turn to apologize for not keeping you in contact, I've noticed you've been preoccupied with the other girls and I feel like a horrible best friend to let this go on as far as it as without extending my hand. but I'm here for you girl and you know how I feel about the whole situation. You deserve the best in life and if someone hold you down from being the bright smiling star that you are, then you don't need them. You are everything without them! I love you and call me!

[Shauntaye]

I'm sorry to hear all the pain you're going through, especially with 'friends.' Try your best to find the positive to continue finding the "best" and "positive" in all the situations and existing family and friends surrounding you now. Now, I'll be the nag and encourage you to visit the Doc! :) Take care, I hope you feel better very soon.

[Katy W.]

Kristen, I am so sorry that you're feeling like this and obiously going through so much.You're in my thoughts and prayers, and i hope that you will be able to work through all of this and only be better because of it! ..and hopefully you'll be back with Darren soon! I love ya

[Sarah]

Oh how I wish I could talk to you more often like we used to when we were growing up!! I have so much to say on this blog that I could say it all here. High school need I say more about so called friends and "trying times" we all got out alive and well and guess what life goes on and all works it way out. I can't wait to see you and talk to you at my bro's weddding. Can you beleive that one he's getting married before "boy crazed" me. Remember calling Justin? haha love ya and if you need me you know where to find me, especially while I'm at my parents house next wk.!!

[Harmony Dawson]

Oh.....girlie! I will be praying for you!!!! We should hang out....I will love ya! :)

[Harmony Dawson]

LOVE YOU!!!

[Katy T]

I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your life. You are in my prayers and I know that God is going to make it all better (even though you are probably sick of hearing that). I think you are absolutely special..and I think you are an awesome person! :) Keep your head held high!

[Harmony Dawson]

Where are you?!? I miss you :(