This has been a long time coming. Thinking of sitting down at the computer and writing a lengthy post never sounded appealing. But then I started to think of my family in England and realized I better get cracking because this is one of the only ways they really get to know what is going on in our lives. (Hi Dave, Jan and boys, we miss you!)
When Darren and I got married and spoke the vows "In sickness and in health" I had no idea that would be put into practice so soon! To make a long story short, we thought Darren's jaw might be broken/fractured. About two months ago he started having agonizing pain and we went to the emergency room for it. The doctor said he had a bad tooth which was causing the pain and told him to visit his dentist asap. We did and nothing was wrong with his tooth so we went to the doctors, who then sent us to an Oral Surgeon, who then sent us to a Head and Neck specialist who is now sending us to a Neurologist. What we thought was a fracture of possible break is actually a problem called Neuralgia which has to do with a cranial nerve "miss-firing" and going to the main nerve in his jaw. It is one of the worst pains a person can go through. The slightest breeze can trigger it. So when we were going through the heatwave we couldn't run the air conditioner or any fans. So we basically stayed in two different rooms for a while. I was in the bedroom with 3 fans going while Darren was in the living room in tremendous pain. I cannot begin to express how agonizing it is to watch someone you love go through that much pain and not be able to much to help. Fast forward two months and here we are still waiting to see the neurologist next week but thankfully we have been prescribed the right kind of medication to treat the pain he is in and it actually works. Everything else that was given to him did nothing. And now we practically have a pharmacy at our home with all the left over meds. Thank God the pain is now under control. That was the worst part. He was in so much pain he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything but lay on the floor with a heating pad on his face nearly in tears because nothing would help. It has probably been one of the hardest things we have had to go through as a married couple so far. But I admire Darren so much. Through it all he stayed positive and never complained. I know I would not have handled it as well as he did and that is one of the many things I love and admire about him!
In other news summer school started almost three weeks ago. I was placed in a class that I really did not like. The kids were cute, but the teacher was not my kind of teacher and I knew the next four weeks were going to be long!!! On that Friday the principle and supervisor came into my class and asked to speak to me. My heart dropped. I thought I was in trouble or something. They told me that since there were not enough kids in the school they had to let go of one teacher and three assistants. It all by seniority and since I was one of the last people hired I was one of the first to go. As soon as they left I ran into the bathroom and cried for a while because I just kept thinking of how we were going to survive with three weeks of no pay on top of another month of no pay. But then this tremendous peace came over me and I knew that no matter what God was in control and knew what he was doing. I called my mom after work (she is an office manager at another special ed school) because I wanted to tell her what happened. It just so happened that a woman at her school hurt her back and they needed a sub for the next two weeks. That Monday I started at my moms school and I really loved it. I was in a great class with awesome assistants, not so great of a teacher again, but only because he wasn't the friendliest, but great with the kids. God completely provided for us. I am now back at my school subing for a woman who just broke her toe and will be there till summer school ends. I have not had to miss one day of work and all I can say is God knows what he is doing more than I will ever. I am even in a class that I really really like. Its been great!
On to some more venting. I try not to write about things that are too personal or boring to other people. Sometimes I think anyone who reads about those things on my blog just role there eyes. But today I don't really care. I need to get it off my chest.
Before I got married I remember people telling me that friends will change and when you have kids your friends will change even more. If only I knew how right they were. Darren and I have been married now for over a year and our friendships with people have drastically changed. Some I can somewhat understand why and others it just saddens me. We have made new friends through our church, but it isn't always the same as the people you grew up with and feel know/knew you better than anyone. The only things that goes through my head is that there must be something wrong with me. This has happened to me on more than one occasion and my conclusion is, I must not be that great of a friend. That has to be it! There was a time where I was super flaky on people and I think, maybe that is why, maybe people just got tired of the flakiness and don't trust that I have changed. I we aren't in high school anymore and life has changed and taken all of us in different directions and that we are doing more "grown up" things, but I don't see why the friendships have to change from that as well. My mom always said you go through seasons with friends. But I guess I thought with certain friends no matter what the season we would still be friends. I feel lame writing all this and people reading and just rolling their eyes saying "get over it" or "yeah your right, thats exactly it" but regardless I cant help but feel sad. Don't get me wrong, I love being married and if Darren and my family were my only friends from now until eternity I would be content. My husband is my bestest friend and I would never change that for anything. But sometimes you just need that girlfriend you can vent to about things or be really silly with and reminisce about the "old days" and I know any woman reading this would agree. You just need your girlfriends sometimes. I feel I use to have that and I don't know why I don't anymore. I'm frustrated with it and no matter how hard I try it's not changing. Sometimes I wish I could just ask those people what happened, what went wrong, why did things change, was it me, was it you, was it just life. Its hard not knowing and always having that question mark hanging around. There are those friends that are still around and I cherish that so much. But there are those few that are no longer around which makes me really sad.
Anyway, I think I vented enough. I could probably go on and on about that subject for too long, but I don't want anymore eye rolls haha :)
God is good. He has provided for everything Darren and I have ever needed and I know he will continue to provide. Maybe he will bring us some new friends, or hopefully rekindle the ones I feel have been lost. But either way I trust him, I have joy in him and I am married to the most amazing man and have the best family in the world. I guess I really can't complain even though I just did. But I know that when all else fades away, he is ever constant!
Love,
Me
First of all - never be afraid to ask people about why/how things have changed. But always be ready to be okay with the answer no matter what it is.
Everyone has stages of loneliness - it's normal. Doesn't make it more easy to bare...but it's completely normal. Also, the truth is - we need friends. People need individuals in which they can relate to outside of their spouses or family. It's a part of life. So feeling like you are yearning and in need of your girlfriends is part of your makeup. Don't make excuses for it, or feel like it's a bad thing.
It's not necessarily you. Not necessarily your friends. It's just everyone has a capacity, and sometimes we can't always be there for everyone all the time. It sucks that we are so limited sometimes.
Always know your friends (me) are your "friends" - even if they (I) can't be there for you physically or emotionally or mentally. They (I) still love you and have a desire for girl time....it's just not something they (I) are afforded right now. But things can change. Maybe next week. Next month. Next year. But eventually life will make a way for your friends (me) to be a part of your everyday life again.
Sending lots of love to you, Darren and Daisy and Sadie :)
Posted by: Melissa | July 23, 2008 at 11:45 PM